Clare Firey Does AMA For HuntCourier
SEX 10/06/2039 8:31 AM ET
Clare Firey Does AMA For HuntCourier
Alana Corette

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Firey's world is more relational than your world.
Actor Clare Firey is never out of the spotlight these days.

Whether it's fundraising for CHURC, dinner with President Wennstrom or a brief cameo in Dread and Dodge as Skull's dead girlfriend Anna, it seems Firey is always in the public eye.

She's perhaps most passionate about freedom to love issues. Firey's efforts to help normalize alternative love since the early thirties have drawn praise from all corners of society, but she's just getting started. You'll probably be familiar with her NewLove commercials which have been airing since mid-September and you'll want to find out - in her own words - what her beliefs mean in practice.

Firey's new movie Unicorn just wrapped and even though she landed in New York at 1:00 a.m., she was gracious enough to join us from her home at 7:30 a.m. and do an AMA on all things relationships.

[Karl, Reseda, CA] How many relationships are you a part of right now?

Four and a half.

[Gemma, Moscow, ID] What is your definition of a healthy relationship?

Healthy is subjective, so it really depends on the person or people. You can have a healthy relationship with yourself just by eating well, exercising often, and pampering yourself when necessary. In the area of romantic relationships I consider healthy to be placing yourself first - if you're not happy you need to make changes. Also communication, which is very important.

[Livia, Concordia, MO] When did you first start to think you wanted to be in more than one relationship?

I had a girlfriend at 16 and found myself looking at boys. I knew I was bisexual, and I was okay with that, but I believed, like most people do, that I was supposed to feel fulfilled with one partner. At first, I dismissed my feelings but more and more it became a pressing need. I didn't want to let go of my girlfriend, but I wanted something more. I spoke to my girlfriend about it, she didn't understand so we mutually agreed to part ways and I took some time to think about what it was I wanted. After about two weeks I basically accepted that I wasn't suited to monogamy.

[Nyeli, Mt Weather, VA] Do you purposely pick roles that allow you to express non-traditional love or are you getting typecast that way because of your activism?

I think both. In Explaining The Same I played a woman who found personal freedom in being the sex object of a house full of men, but that was before I became involved in the activist community. But a few years later, I did Accultur which was actually a real growth experience for me in what it meant to be frank with myself. I think I was cast in that role because I had done a few interviews about the benefits of alternative relationships and they got picked up globally. I think a lot of people saw themselves in that movie because Sileia knows what she wants and the world can't stand it. A lot of people wrote me and thanked me for showing a new light on alternative love, even if they didn't identify with the love portrayed in the movie. I know the role of Cess in The House Of Time was basically written for me because one of the producers, Kade Spencer, told me he had seen my appearance on Simon Redford in which I affirmed people in loving families. Right now, I have a script I am considering which if I pick it up, will explode the idea of relationships. I know it was given to me because of my activism and because I can be sincere in the part. But, I've done other movies which have nothing to do with alternative love.

[Christophe, France] You said last year you were no longer in a chain, but now are in a snowflake. What did you mean?

A chain refers to a series of people who are in two relationships, whether married or not. Each person is a link in the chain. So a chain looks like this:

So, person 2 is in a relationship with person 1 and person 3, and person 3 is in a relationship with person 2 and person 4, and so on. But, for some people that structure is too limiting because it only allows for two relationships.

A snowflake permits more relationships - if you look at a snowflake from the center it reaches out in many directions. A person whose relationship structure looks like that may connect to people who are part of a chain, or other people who are part of a snowflake. A snowflake might look like this:

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It's all only a matter of taxonomy because what your relationships are and their quality, is more important than what you call them. But, the beautiful thing about multiple snowflakes coming together is what you get, is snow. That's beautiful.

[Meixiang, Ocala, FL] What are the main challenges facing people in alternative loving relationships today?

Stigma. 70 years ago it was interracial couples who had to fight for their rights, 30 years ago it was LGBT people, and today it's people in polyamorous relationships or part of loving families. Stigma needs to be put to sleep permanently because it is invidious and it destroys lives.

Stigma is independent of law, so it doesn't matter if something is finally legalized by Congress or the courts, stigma can remain, because small-minded people are gonna be small-minded.

I get letters each and every day from people whose choices form part of the alternative love community, about how they have lost their job, their career, their friends, because of their sexuality. I receive suicide notes from people before they kill themselves. They live authentically, some people disagree with that, and if it gets out, the moralistic traditionalists descend upon them to destroy them. It doesn't matter that their lives affect no one else.

In fact I STILL get letters from people who come out as gay and experience adverse consequences at home, at school, at work. That's insane. We have to change. That's why I'm so forceful in my advocacy, because research shows that if you can just bring something into people's consciousness, if you can humanize it before their eyes, they're less likely to be able to hate it. So, stigma.

[Shawn, Frankfort, IN] can you describe your relationships right now?

I have two wives, a husband, a non-binary romantic partner, and I'm in a dominantly-flexible relationship. My two wives and husband each get two days of the week, and the seventh day (usually Saturday night) is for my non-binary partner or my sub-flex.

[Joselyn, Fairfield, CA] How do you avoid the jealousy that comes with a natural tendency toward monogamy?

First of all, I disagree with that question. It promotes the incorrect assumption that people are "naturally" monogamous. With people identifying as being in polyamorous relationships at an all time high, and people having affairs at an all time high, I believe there is enough evidence to conclude the opposite.

Moreover, we should be careful when our language deprioritzes those who choose an expanded version of love.

As to your actual question: communication when possible, silence when helpful, leave when needful. If you believe your partner would be receptive to expanding your relationship, then speak to him/her/+ and communicate your desires, and work something out. Iron out the jealousy issues.

But if you think the response would not be positive, or actually would be negative, and if you feel like you really need to expand your relationship, then go ahead and do it and be respectfully silent toward your current partner. Remember, that person doesn't own you and your needs are significant.

If you think that your partner totally couldn't handle it, would spin right off if he/she/+ were asked or found out, and again, if you really need to expand, then leave and find what you need with a person or people who need the same thing.

[Zascha, Baraboo, WI] When you have the gang over for an all-nighter, who cooks breakfast?

It's been decided that since I make the world's best waffles, that the task falls to me. Some of the guys help. Can you imagine cooking for 25 people by yourself?

[Min, Canada] Hi, what were your thoughts on Tenia Trawley?

I was shocked and really sad when I heard the news. I read that she gave him a lot of warnings and he refused to listen to them. She expressed herself many times. And like I always say (and just said), communication/silence/leave. He should have either worked it out with her, persisted in respectful silence (while making sure she did not suspect anything) or left.

Instead he chose to have her come home to an orgy, repeatedly. He rubbed her face in it and, basically, for being so obnoxious she killed him.

It's hard to pin the blame on her for it.

[Craiger, Columbus, OH] If you were setting up a society from scratch what would it look like with people's relationships?

Total fluidity. No personal ownership of other people. Ownership is slavery. Everyone has as many relationships, and as many as they want, how they want, when they want.

In my utopia, you would be able to love freely and purposefully and gain as much pleasure in life as you wanted. Total choice.

[Julia, Buffalo, NY] Is it true that you have an "arrangement" with your dad?

Since neither New York nor South Carolina have passed any form of loving families legislation, I can't comment. But let's just say we're very close.

[Lyon'Dae, Denver, CO] Hi, I love you! I hope you answer my question. What is the best way to get involved to promote alternative love?

I love you too! The best thing you can do is write or call your local representative and tell him/her/+ that our current laws are needlessly restrictive and that love should not be regulated.

You could also join my NewLove campaign or volunteer with one of the NewLove alliance organizations. Some of them are:

Second Front
National Alternative Love Federation (NALF)
Catholics for Love

[TG, Savannah, GA] How do I get to be part of your gang?

You don't. But you can form your own or better yet, become part of a snowflake and expand our idea of love one relationship at a time. The more relationships the more love we spread.
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