10/06/2034 12:48 AM ET

OPINION

You Might Be An Extremist If...

Kirk Weatherhorn
Southern Democrat, nature lover, American dude

CC BY 4.0 Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky by Mike Mozart | Writer image: CC BY-SA 4.0 - image changes released under same license Carisma Face by Marcelo Campi | Images were cropped. Images used for illustration purposes only.
Thank you for not being an extremist. Or eating this stuff.
Anyone remember that old Jeff Foxworthy meme, "you might be a redneck if..."

No? Well, basically the idea was: You might be a redneck if [insert totally obvious lame random redneck thing here, that you do.]

For example, "You might be a redneck if you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup". Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy. If you don't know who Jeff Foxworthy is, don't worry 'bout it. Just read on.

I was thinking about how this could so easily be translated today. Hey, everything old is new again, right?

And I was wondering about the rise of conservative extremism in this country, which seems to take on new and more radical forms every day, and I wanted to give them kind ol' conservatives a helping hand.

Maybe they don't know they're extremists. So let's help them understand, folks!


1. You might be an extremist if...you think someone else's religion is 'wrong'.

If you think "them people who dress funny" are in a "wrong" or "false" religion, you may just be an extremist. In fact, you may just be a hatey-hatey bigot who needs to learn that billions of people do not worship a Jewish peasant.


2. You might be an extremist if... you make a funny face at the thought of trans-species individuals exercising their constitutional rights.

It doesn't affect you, it's just others trying to live their lives. If your tried and true nature is to reflexively gag at others who - again - are not affecting you in any way, maybe...just maybe, you can tick that "extremist" box.


3. You might be an extremist if...you still can't stomach the idea of women having control over their bodies.

If the thought of women not allowing you to have control over what they do with their bodies, if the idea of them being individuals with inalienable personal rights is so offensive to you that you can't abide it...you may just be an extremist. Or a jackass. Maybe both.


4. You might be an extremist if...your answer to them people over there is to shoot them or blow them up.

Problem in the Middle East or North Korea get your trigger finger itchy? Haven't 'dun seen nuthin' blowed up' in half an hour make you break out? Believe other nations problems can be solved with a missile from a US warship? You're almost certainly an extremist.

Also, some kind of fruit loop.


5. You might be an extremist if...you go to a shooting range.

So...need to go to a shooting range to blow off some steam? Most people take up a hobby, maybe go to the gym. Some people actually get past the age of fourteen and learn to express themselves.

If you need to shoot targets, you might be a freaking extremist.


6. You might be an extremist if...you refuse to send your child to a Hobart school.

If you absolutely positively can't stand your precious little golden-haired angel being integrated with people of other races - you know, human beings - then I hereby declare you an extremist. Also a racist.


7. You might be an extremist if...your worship makes you "other" people.

Do you feel constantly like there's you, your brothers and sisters in your faith, and everyone else is absolutely wrong? Do you feel like they are the others, and don't belong to your precious in-group of holy love?

Then you might be an extremist. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.


8. You might be an extremist if...you live in Texas.

Just secede, already! When your economy collapses, yes, we will help you. First by cleansing you of all your extremists.


9. You might be an extremist if...the word "queer" makes you uncomfortable.

If queer does not sit well with you, if your buttoned-down, tight little anal-retentive world of fellow tut-tutting old bridge-playing ladies sneers at queer, then we in the queer community queerly say that you are a #%#^#& extremist.

Also, !%^#^ you.


10. You might be an extremist if...you can't even pronounce "America".

If you say "Murica" you're absolutely an extremist. Get the hell out of my face.
Correction/Broken Link?