10/06/2034 11:16 PM ET

OPINION

Why I've Had Five Divorces This Year

Toby Regan
Looking for Mrs or Mr Right, or Wright if that's their last name.

CC BY-SA 3.0 - image changes released under same license Divorce by NY - http://nyphotographic.com/ | Writer image: CC BY 4.0 People @ MI AMI 2010 by Monelle Chiti | Images were cropped. Images used for illustration purposes only.
Divorce. It can be a really good, totally necessary thing.
I've had five divorces this year. Go ahead, laugh. That's okay. I don't mind. Maybe I would have a chuckle too if I were you.

I was married to four women, and one man, with each relationship lasting about two months. This seems highly unusual but to me it's perfectly normal. You see, I'm simply looking for my perfect partner. I refuse to compromise. I love the ability to marry and to be with someone, looking into their eyes and soul deeply, under the umbrella of a marriage, whilst knowing that if that person is not the one, that I am free to choose to move on if I need to.

I'm looking for my forever soul mate. Here are some reasons why I've divorced this year:

1. House Plants.

You read that right. House plants. Wife #3 this year wanted plastic house plants. We both loved the greenery all over the house but she found watering them to be a pain. I wanted the real thing.

We had had problems before that, but a massive fight over domestic foliage really sealed the deal.


2. Takeout Food.

Spouse #2 (my husband) for some reason never wanted to eat what I wanted. What began as a funny quirk quickly turned annoying after we got married. I would say I wanted pizza, and he would have to want Chinese food. I would want Chinese food the next day, and he would want burgers. We began living separate culinary lives (I got tex-mex, he got a sub) and a few weeks later I filed for divorce. I was out of the house before he was able to get home and tell me he didn't want Indian food.


3. Music Format.

No, this is a real thing. Wife #2 hated my penchant for cassette tapes. Hated my stereo. "PLAY THE TRACKS THROUGH YOUR IMPLANT WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE PLASTIC CASES EVERYWHERE BOING BOING BOING" she would say, endlessly.

Why should I have to do that? What if I want the classic "shhhhhhhh" sound you get at the back of Diana Ross when you pop a tape? You can't get that from a digitally sterile track. She actually moved out, throwing my George Michael at me as I clicked "divorce".


4. Tribal Names.

Wife #1 identified as Native American and demanded to be called "Clapping Eagle". I told her it's impossible for an eagle to clap and that since she was really called Philippa that maybe I should just call her that. Clapping Eagle wasn't impressed.

The fights began as passive-agressive marital guerres which always culminated in her beating at me with her, I suppose, wings and then crying.

I left her during a tantrum and let her keep the couch. Click-divorce time!


5. Other Spouses.

Wife #4 was terribly insecure about my other spouses this year. She constantly felt like she wasn't going to measure up, especially in bed.

I had to reassure her endlessly that there was no need to worry, that she wasn't under pressure to perform and just to relax.

She eventually relaxed into too much alcohol - regularly - and I click-divorced her, leaving her a note that suggested therapy.


At the end of my fifth marriage this year I was exhausted. I had moved so many times my head is still spinning and am convinced that everyone who could possibly love me is absolutely crazy. I think this marriage thing is perhaps not the way to go!

Just don't tell my current wife. She and I can't agree on color schemes for our kitchen utensils...
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