10/06/2034 7:12 AM ET

OPINION

Seven People You shouldn't Invite Into Your Relationship

Travise McFarlane
Poly woman, 21st century human

CC BY 4.0 Frustration by Andrew McCluskey | Writer image: CC BY 4.0 Na'ama: Headshots a la Peter Hurley by Flavio~ | Images were cropped. Images used for illustration purposes only.
Nothing will leave you with more frustration than expanding your poly arrangement with the wrong person.
If there's one thing you know if you've had any experience taking your serious relationship poly, it's that there are people you just don't invite in. If you're a neat two, looking to go three (or more) you don't invite the messy people in.

If you're a rock n' roll, blunt-rolling four, you don't bring in the Christian for your fifth (in fact, don't bring them in at all, please). There are some people who are just toxic and will only muss everything up.

Here's a useful guide, in case you know, you decide that one more (or two, or three or four...) is for you.


1. The "Me and My Friends" Person

This is the person who's loving being part of your polygroup. Loving it so much in fact, that he/she decides it's cool to bring in their friend or friends. Your preconceived ideas of a bountiful new relationship will be blown to pieces when you get home to find seven people expecting an orgy.


2. The "You Invited Me, So I Don't Have Responsibilities" Person

This one is a classic. Usually a guy, he feels that because you invited him in, he's hot stuff, and in demand. And as someone in demand, he has the right to call the shots. Maybe he was thinking this was more casual than you, maybe not, but this person does not load the dishwasher. He does not do laundry. He doesn't set the vac. He doesn't take out the trash and he won't ever change the bedsheets.

Which he usually hogs.


3. The "Insecure About All This" Person

This is the person who's just not up for the poly life. They've only been one-on-one and they can't handle the jealousy, they can't handle the insecurity, and they need attention. All. The. Time. This person starts out cool, when you interview they seem down for y'know, whatever, but when life becomes life they freak out quickly, and you'll be cleaning up a puddle of tears three times a day.


4. The "I Don't Look At This As Anything But Casual" Person

This is the person who's totally just about sex. And they're usually pretty good at it which makes them kinda cocky (no pun intended). But you were looking to enrich your relationship with another persona, another viewpoint. To become more vibrant, more diverse in your joining of minds and souls, and this person was really just looking for sex. Before long he or she will be coming home late with someone else's scent on them, with a "what?" look as you and your partner/s stare in disbelief.


5. The "I Am Now Officially In Charge" Person

This person is related to person no. 2, insofar as (usually) he thinks that because he was brought in, his in-demandness makes him the Person In Charge. In charge in bed. In charge in the kitchen. In charge when deciding what VR game to play. He orchestrates everything and has a radically different idea of power structure and hierarchy than you. Also, doesn't take out the trash.


6. The "I WILL Use My Cunning To Destroy You" Person

One of the most toxic people you could invite. This person seems cool at the interview stage, but soon turns out to be...well, just a sociopath, really. On every level a scheming, creepy person who will use every trick to set you against the other/s in your relationship, so they can have mastery over all.

True story: friends of mine almost broke up over mutual recriminations to do with houseplant-poisoning before they discovered their new fourth had been using a herbicide on the ficus in order to set them against each other.


7. The "I Can Find Fault In Everything" Person

This is the perfectionista. The absolutely, one hundred percent perfect embodiment of poly perfect perfection. This person will criticize everything you and your partners do. You cook the lasagne improperly. You read the wrong books. Your lovemaking could do with a tune-up. Nothing will be good enough.

You know you have this person when you find yourself sobbing into your leftover lasagne. Of course, I've never done that.
Correction/Broken Link?